The · Reach · Around

This Sunday I went to see
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At the South Seaport Museum in NYC.
I'd recommend it to anyone, man, woman, child
and the simply cannibal-curious.
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If you don't know, this is one in a circle of controversial exhibits happening all over the United States and the world,
displaying REAL HUMAN BODIES for artistic and educational purposes.
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All this is due to a new technology involving plastination,
the injection of plastics into the various muscles, veins, and nerves of the body,
which allows scient/artists to indefinitely preserve the bodies,
to extract entire bodily systems like the nervous or circulatory systems,
and also to harden muscles to sculpt the body into funky shapes and poses.
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There's lots of weird shit in the exhibit,
including fetuses in every stage of development-
(EVEN ONE INSIDE ITS MOTHER'S UTERUS [WTF!])
but don't think it's just for the gothily-inclined;
the exhibit is actually more educational than artistic in its mission,
and the crowd seemed to mostly consist of families with children,
and med school nerds from around the globe.
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In general, I thought it was all pretty fucking cool.
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There were only three things about the exhibit that annoyed me:
A: It costs $25. Tres Ridic (THX MoM!)
B: It was strictly scientific and had a great deal of room for artistic expression/design.
C: 95% of all the bodies were male. Normally, this wouldn't bother me,
but of the only two complete female bodies on display, one was obese,
and the other was propped up in a highly sexualized pose, wearing high heels.
Don't get me wrong - it looking fucking sweet - but it all seemed a bit sexist.
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The funny thing is, all my friend and I could talk about while looking at these bodies,
is which part seemed like it would taste the best/be the most filling.
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You know, if you HAD to eat it.
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He said the shoulders.
I say the butt.

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Remember when Mase made a huge fucking deal about coming back and then never put out another single?
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Yeah, that was sweet... but more to the point...
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Was I the only person who used to be obsessed with
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????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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If you're unfamiliar, first of all, fuck that, and secondly,
Beastmaster takes its name from the sub-class of the class Ranger
from the popular game series Advanced Dungeons and Dragons.
The "Beastmaster" is the breed of ranger who can talk to and/or
manipulate animals, lives in the wild, wears nothing but a loincloth, etc.
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WEAPON OF CHOICE: BONE QUARTERSTAFF (CLUB/SCYTHE)
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Seems too good to be true, I know, but don't get it twisted.
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From Netflix:
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"Born with a gift to communicate telepathically with animals, lone warrior Dar (Daniel Goddard) travels a mystical and treacherous land on a quest to bring peace to all creatures. Season 1 of the swords-and-sorcery TV series finds Dar and his companion Tao (Jackson Raine) searching for Dar's lost love (Natalie Mendoza) and battling ferocious foes, including King Zad of the Terrons, the Sorceress, the monstrous Chimera and the evil Spiderwitch."
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And though it sort of goes without saying,
it's probably the most homo- and bestiale-core television show in history.
... which is weird, considering it was on the WB.
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So who's going to watch Season 1 with me when it comes out on DVD?

So, my late grandparents' priest selected several passages
for family members to read at their memorial this Friday.
This is the passage I have been assigned to read,
in my gothiest voice, in front of ninety or so of my family:
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The Book of Wisdom 3:1
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The souls of the just are in the hand of God, and no torment shall touch them.
They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead; and their passing away was thought an affliction
and their going forth from us, utter destruction. But they are in peace.
For if before men, indeed, they be punished, yet is their hope full of immortality;
Chastised a little, they shall be greatly blessed, because God tried them and found them worthy of himself.
As gold in the furnace, he proved them, and as sacrificial offerings he took them to himself.
In the time of their visitation they shall shine, and shall dart about as sparks through stubble;
They shall judge nations and rule over peoples, and the Lord shall be their King forever.
Those who trust in him shall understand truth, and the faithful shall abide with him in love:
Because grace and mercy are with his holy ones, and his care is with the elect.
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Pretty fucking dark, right?
A little strange, even, considering it's a piece chosen to honor their memory?
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But just wait.
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This is the second half of the passage,
which the Good Father decided to omit:
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But the wicked shall receive a punishment to match their thoughts, since they neglected justice and forsook the Lord.
For he who despises wisdom and instruction is doomed. Vain is their hope, fruitless are their labors, and worthless are their works.
Their wives are foolish and their children wicked; accursed is their brood.
Yes, blessed is she who, childless and undefiled, knew not transgression of the marriage bed; she shall bear fruit at the visitation of souls.
So also the eunuch whose hand wrought no misdeed, who held no wicked thoughts against the Lord- For he shall be given fidelity's choice reward and a more gratifying heritage in the Lord's temple.
For the fruit of noble struggles is a glorious one; and unfailing is the root of understanding.
But the children of adulterers will remain without issue, and the progeny of an unlawful bed will disappear.
For should they attain long life, they will be held in no esteem, and dishonored will their old age be at last;
While should they die abruptly, they have no hope nor comfort in the day of scrutiny;
for dire is the end of the wicked generation.
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OMG Christianity is so fucking gothy,
and Heaven is way too VIP.

What is it about twins?

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Ever since Castor and Pollux, we've been obsessed.
Twins just have that certain something.
But what exactly is it?
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Perfection through symmetry? Balance?
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Or is it just double the pleasure, double the fun?
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TWO YOUNG MONOZYGOTES IN LOVE
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Alas, le twincest is still bound by the heavy chains of taboo,
feared and rejected by science and religion alike...
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which is strange, if you consider the implications of Noah's Ark,
in which God instructed Noah to repopulate the world
with only two parents of each species.
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But my defense is not a moral one - it's purely aesthetic, I swear.

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Did you know that Elvis had an identical twin who died at birth?
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I wish I had a twin.

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A tribute to the Bannons everywhere who have shaped our lives.
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JIM BANNON, AMERICAN WESTERN FILM LEGEND


EDDIE BANNON, AWKWARD IRISH COMEDIAN


EAMONN BANNON, 1970's SCOTTISH FOOTBALL STUD


PATRICK BANNON, 1994 NYC MURDERER


STUART BANNON, POTENTIALLY GAY PROGRAMMER


DR. JOSEPH F. BANNON, TACTICAL STREET COMBAT MASTER


JOHN BANNON, MEDIOCRE WASHINGTON-AREA PAINTER


ANN BANNON, INFAMOUS LESBIAN PULP AUTHOR


JACOB BANNON, FRONTMAN OF GOTHY METAL BAND CONVERGE


PAT BANNON, COMMON MYSPACE TOOLIO


LUCKY BANNON, CANINE EXTRAORDINAIRE
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We Bannons are a rare breed.

So, after rolling out of bed and into the office, in a desperate search anything resembling a stimulant, I came across a basket of candy, and after hastily unwrapping the first piece I could snag, a surprisingly soft square of Bazooka Joe, I decided to read the comic, which confused me quite a bit:
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Is that you, BJ? Where's your signature fucking hat? And WTF?
Who is this awkward fat baby/teen you're trying to sleep with?
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It wasn't the fact that the joke wasn't funny at all that phased me. That's pretty standard.
And it wasn't the lamely-flattering fortune: "One day everyone will know your name." Obvi.
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What raised my eyebrows was:

A. Apparently Bazooka Joe is gay (?) which is kind of unexpected, but makes sense.
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But more importantly:

B. Why does Joe look so strange? Didn't he used to be kinda hot? WTF?
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I had to investigate.
Turns out I didn't even know the half of it - I was looking at the original BJ look.
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I guess I was just used to seeing him in his classic 80's post-punk style:

But soon all of this excessive hair and denim will soon be history...
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when Topps Candy unveils:
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BAZOOKA JOE 3.0 a.k.a. SUPERFAG

Note the boy/chic mullet and the careful knee-rip.
Still kinda hot, but in a faggy way, right?
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Joe's also got a new posse of bubble-blowing hipsterati,
all of whom seem to represent different gay stereotypes:

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I think I'm going to dress as Bazooka Joe for Halloween.

So let's just talk for a moment about
the fact that that the hottest animated figure ever...

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is making his next official appearance as a LYCANTHROPE??!!!!!!!!!
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JESUS FUCKING CHRIST LINK FUCK ME NOW IN WOLF FORM
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Such is the premise of the next installment in the Zelda saga,
"The Twilight Princess"
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"Link, a young man raised as a wrangler in a small, rural village, is ordered by the mayor to attend the Hyrule Summit. He sets off, oblivious to the dark fate that has descended upon the kingdom. When he enters the Twilight Realm that has covered Hyrule, he transforms into a wolf and is captured. A mysterious figure named Midna helps him break free, and with the aid of her magic, they set off to free the land from the shadows. Link must explore the vast land of Hyrule and uncover the mystery behind its plunge into darkness. As he does, he'll have to enlist the aid of friendly folk, solve puzzles and battle his way through dangerous dungeons. IN THE TWILIGHT REALM, HE'LL HAVE TO USE HIS WOLF ABILITIES and Midna’s magic to bring light to the land. Besides his trusty sword and shield, Link will use his bow and arrows, fight while on horseback and use a wealth of other items, both new and old."
from ign.com
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Young Link, still hot despite the traditional Borderlands garb and awkward Ringhorn.
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And the best part: The Twilight Princess will not be waiting for the NextGen Nintendo system Wii.
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IT WILL BE RELEASED FOR GAMECUBE.
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And if you and I are likeminded,
you will realize that this surprising news feels an awful lot like
a warm bath of satisfaction accompanied by a cigarette of bliss.
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Awkwardly, all this talk about Link makes me think of:

OH SO CUTE AND FURRY IN THE SNOW!
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I wish I could turn into a lynx.
And then have furry snow sex with Wolf Link in the Twilight Realm.

Ever wish you could live in anime?

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People spend their entire lives trying to achieve the Animated Existence (AE),
but often, they just come out looking like this:

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What they should realize is that instead of changing costumes,
they should really be changing their cartridges,
and jacking into the elite metaverse known as Animal Crossing.
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Here is a pic of me in the Museum completing my T-Rex skeleton!!!
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You see,
in the funtastic world of Animal Crossing,
I LIVE IN ANIME

TWENTY-FOUR SEVEN
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And there are many advantages to the Animated Existence.
For one, IT'S HELLA FUCKING CHEEP!!!

(OMFG DESIGN YOUR OWN OUTFIT FOR ONLY 150 BELLS??!!!!!!)
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Plus...

WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH CUTIES LIKE THESE????

I know three entries in one day is a bit excessive,
but I just had to mention this one particular
EXTREMELY AWKWARD FACT OF LIFE:
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THIS GAME IS FUCKING SWEET

EXCEPT FOR THE LITTLE FACT
THAT IT WILL ONLY FUCKING RUN ON
256 COLOR WITH 640 x 480 PIXELS!!!
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IN OTHER WORDS...
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YEAH, BLUE DRAGON AND DOG,
I'D LOVE TO PLAY WITH YOU

BUT I CAN'T

BECAUSE MY COMPUTER IS ACTUALLY TOO SMART
TO RECOGNIZE YOUR SHITTY WINDOWS 3.0 PIXEL RATIO!!!

WHICH COMES OUT LOOKING SOMETHING LIKE THIS

GOD WINDOWS 3.0 WAS AWKWARD
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EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FOR

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1991 was a good year for computer games

That last post was, as is customary, a kind of teaser before the opening credits, if you will.

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And so, here we are.

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Welcome to The Reach Around, which, like the title suggests...

... coming all the way from behind your ass, sliding up the long cock which is pounding your ass furiously, up along the tight abs, past the smooth chest, across the chiseled shoulder, down the strong forearm, all the way to the tough hand which massages your piece gently but firmly...
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IS ALL ABOUT GAY SEX
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with love, but also with a mission.

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I want to reach around for YOU.
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Hmm, I just came across this guy

...which makes me feel pretty awkward.

Haven’t tried the tangy sensation that’s sweeping the nation, Aijon?

Before you do, you should know...

Aijon is not your average mustard.

Extracted from the optic nerves of nubile Japanese women,
Aijon is said by loyal fans to be "intoxicatingly delicious and deliciously intoxicating."

As it turns out, the vast majority of the world's supply of Aijon is manufactured by one tiny factory in Bratislava, Slovakia.

Behind the Scenes of an Aijon Extraction

"People don't take Aijon seriously," complains Lidor Ladislava, Sales Director of Amaijing, Inc in Bratislava.

"They think that we're just another Dijonnaise!" he chuckles and sighs. "That is the impression we are trying to shake. That is where we will, I think, Aijon will surprise them!"

Countries all over the world are beginning to jump on the Aijon bandwagon.

Spain has announced the imminent release of Aijon: Dark Force Granada,
a new video game to be released for their upcoming console Airsoft,
which puts the player behind the goggles of an Aijon hunter, as seen here:

"I mean, it's like unreal!" says Yoshi Aiwananaizhan, ten years old and already a lover of Aijon (whose "intoxicating" reputation is still being disputed).

"Everyone knows that Aijon hunting is one of the most secretive operations in the world!"

It's true: Until now, Amaijing has been extremely tight-lipped about the finer points of the extraction process, not wanting to, as Ladislava says, "let the secret of Aijon fall into the wrong hands."

But rumors of brutality in the factory have left the folks at Amaijing no choice.

"Not all of our secrets will be revealed," Ladislava tells us, "but we must protect our integrity, you see... You definitely will be able to witness at least one Aijon extraction."

A:DFG is scheduled to hit the shelves in November, and is expected to be a major success.

“What’s next for Amaijing?” says Ladislava, with a smile. “Well, I won’t give it all away just yet, but I will say just this much: Cum-diments!”